Inbox

[artistinexile]

You have reached the inbox of the former Grand Admiral Thrawn of the Imperial Star Destroyer Chimaera and the Seventh Fleet, also formerly known as Senior Commander Mitth'raw'nuruodo of the Springhawk.

I will return your message promptly.

[The message repeats in six different languages]

Comments

[a_titanum]

I didn't think it was. But while you were clear right now, you assumed too much responsibility as you originally phrased it. Admitting you could have reached out too, or that you hadn't made it easy for her is one thing, but assuming the whole of the burden sends a different message.

[artistinexile]

[a tense silence. Finally Thrawn murmurs]

I understand. Please continue.

[a_titanum]

[ Florian nods, and there is empathy in his eyes for Thrawn. He understands this is not an exact science. ]

'I explained my fear that hurting her again would be an inevitability, so I made a similar suggestion regarding my project limitations. '

If you could explain precisely what you mean by that? I want to be sure I understand the potential nuances.

[artistinexile]

[this is so painful. He makes a note to record all future correspondence]

Yes.

Simply that because I am still learning what will hurt her and more importantly, that I should care more about that than her continued safety, I know I will make the occasional slip up, especially when it comes to ship works. Therefore I wished her to take the lead, especially when it comes to her own greenhouse revitalization projects. I know my designs on this ship and my desire to not wait for her input is a key driver to her unhappiness- therefore I was suggesting she take the lead to put me at any project she so chose.

[a_titanum]

[ Ah. There we go. He nods. ]

I see.

So... in a smaller way, you've made the same mistake with her as you have in some respect made in the larger scope of your choices: your priority of her safety took precedence over her decision. She had said that she regarded your friendship, a partnership of equal partners in maintaining the relationship, to still stand. Thus, she was telling you that she accepts that potential risk of your mistakes which might hurt her while also expecting you, as a friend and someone interested in maintaining the relationship with effort, to work on improving.

By insisting she take the lead, you are changing the relationship without her consent or desire, and instead of proposing a situation where you both work in tandem, as she desires you to do, an equal partnership where you build something together, you simply reversed your positions to where she would make decisions and you would just follow along. This is an unbalanced situation, one that is usually found between superior and subordinate, as opposed to a friendship.

[ A turn of his hand. ]

For example: if two people were working on building a house together, an equal partnership includes the two of them considering the needs of the house together, planning out the logistics together, dividing the work between them together according to each one's needs and wants and working through any disagreements together, before finding the materials and beginning to work.

Originally, you both had considered the needs together, but at some point you went off on your own to go through the rest of those steps without allowing her to take part, because you didn't realize the value that she placed on sharing the work and determinations throughout with you. What you are proposing would have have her doing all of that planning without you, and merely telling you what to do as she decides it when it comes to implementation.

...which doesn't remedy the situation. Because she has two primary goals: accomplishing the work, yes, but the second goal, which she holds just as important, is to do this with you. She enjoys the process and she wishes to enjoy it with you.

[artistinexile]

I insisted on nothing. Merely suggested it. She was free to say no and I would have respected her choice.

Each time I interact with Aerith, I find a new way to insult or hurt her. I don’t see why she would wish to enjoy anything. She was certainly not enjoying this conversation.

[a_titanum]

But by suggesting it, it implied that you hadn't understood or heard what she was harmed by.

And I think the problem is just that you're in a bit of a spiral about this.

[ He gives Thrawn a faint smile, hopefully encouraging. ]

I'm going to give you two phrases. I'd like you to use them when you find yourself stuck. The first?

"What does that look like to you in practice?"

If someone says 'I want this' or 'I'd like this' or 'I still want to keep our friendship', seek clarity on what those words mean to them in practice. You also indicate that you are interested in their priorities and listening to them while you're working through things. It will give you examples to decide if that's something that sounds like it will work for you or not.

And the second?

"Is my understanding correct?"

To be used after giving a rundown of how you view the situation, or what you think the problem is. Use it before proposing a solution.

...and feel free to use both of them multiple times.

"What would that look like in practice?" Their answer baffles you. Try and summarize. "Is my understanding correct?" If they say yes? Good. If not, prompt them for more. Then. "What does that look like in practice?" And repeat as needed.

[ He considers telling him he can shift the language a little, not to necessarily repeat them verbatim, but then he decides that's 202 and they aren't there yet. ]

Sound reasonable?

[artistinexile]

[his shoulders drop with significant relief; Thrawn is extremely pleased to have a script, some way of communicating better even if it’s only parroting Florian’s words. He commits the sentences to memory easily, nodding once]

Yes. Thank you.

[a_titanum]

[ ...he's not opposed to a bit of scripting. Sometimes, it's necessary.

He nods. ]

Of course. Let me know how it goes, and we can make adjustments as needed.

[ A breath out. ]

Shall I see if Aerith is prepared to return?

[ He looks back to Thrawn. ]

She feels very strongly about you, treasures her relationship with you despite the difficulties. She knows that at your core, you are someone greatly worth knowing who enriches her life. These difficulties are painful, but she's wise and thoughtful and thus, she knows that as long as you are trying, you are worth these efforts to her.

Your desire not to hurt her is laudable. But she clearly deems you worthy of a little pain, as many people are.

[artistinexile]

She is an exceptional person. If what you say is true - and I suspect it is - I will apologize for not allowing her the agency to be hurt.

Thank you, Florian.

[a_titanum]

[ He nods. ]

Of course. I am always at your disposal. Well, whenever I'm awake, anyways.

[artistinexile]

Of course.

I am prepared - you may call her back.

[a_titanum]

All right.

[ And he pulls out the communicator. ]

Aerith? We've finished up if you don't mind coming back.

[planetdialup]

On my way.

[She'd come back from Florian's room, and knock quietly on the doorframe to let them know she arrived.]

[artistinexile]

[Thrawn stands as Aerith enters, hesitant but no longer as lost as before. He has tools now. He will use them to his benefit]

Thank you for returning.

[a_titanum]

[ Florian takes a seat and gestures to the two of them. ]

Thank you for returning, Aerith, I hope my facilities were suitable. But... do feel free to chat. I'll try not to interject unless I feel we might be veering into an unfortunate direction.

[planetdialup]

[She nodded, and made to sit down, across from Thrawn.]

Your facilities are very pleasant- thank you for letting me use them.

[A little formal, for Aerith. But she nodded to Thrawn.]

I'm not sure...how to restart the conversation. But I am sorry for upsetting you Thrawn.

I didn't want to cry and hurt you in return.

[artistinexile]

Then allow me.

I accept your apology. I also wish to convey that I would like to renew our friendship from my side and endeavor to act as a partner in it, who will neither overstep nor place undue burden on you.

I will accomplish this through better means of communication before I act.

[planetdialup]

[She breaths a sigh of relief.]

Thank you Thrawn. Before, it sounded as if you wanted to end it and have me just...use you for my own ends.

It upset me because I don't want to use people. Hearing it seemed...dehumanizing.

[artistinexile]

[a quirk of his brow]

And yet I am not human.

[oh no the Chiss have jokes]

I had no plans to end it. Merely that when talking with Florian, I prefer to be pointed in a direction where I can do the most good. I was attempting to compliment your morality and desire to help others, coupled with my tendencies to overstep my boundaries; that you could lead me as you chose. But this would not be a mutual partnership.

[planetdialup]

[She swallowed a chuckle. Chiss jokes!]

It sounds a lot more a superior and employee. And while that could work for, say, the reed pond project, I would rather we were equals.

And look out for each other. Like when I was overdoing it, and you watched over me while I slept.

[artistinexile]

Yes. I have had very few true partnerships in my life: I fell back to what was easiest, instead of the most correct thing.

I admit a certain confusion as to the warden-inmate relationship, having categorized it many times as a superior-subordinate role. But you have yet to command me or tell me an order, so I will concede this is a more nuanced position we find ourselves in.

[planetdialup]

Easiest isn't always best. But- I know this can be very difficult. You've been in the military, and that has a lot of rules, roles. All of it.

As a warden, I view myself not as someone's superior, but someone who is here to help. I've always been a civilian.

When I was viewed as something else, pressured to be something else, it was never comfortable. So- this is complicated.

And that's okay. We can be complicated and still be friends.

[artistinexile]

Indeed.

[he's been in the military for two-thirds of his life now; since he was a young 20-year-old cadet. Civilian life does not suit Thrawn]

Will you explain the significance of birthdays in your culture? I am aware most of our troubles stemmed from failing to secure a proper calendar or warning system when enacting alarms; I wish to understand why a particular day held such meaning.

[planetdialup]

It's complicated because I have mixed feelings about it currently.

This is the first time it's happened since I died.

And it would be the first time that Zack would be celebrating with me in four years, at least. Longer for him, since he's been here for four years more.

I had...an idea of how I wanted the day to go. No working for either of us. A date. I wanted to pretend, for a little while, that I didn't have responsibility, that I was turning 23 and we could think of the future.

The alarm startled it out of me. It wasn't the cultural significance. It was...

Having a selfish day. A happy day for just me.

I don't know if I'm explaining it well.