Inbox

[artistinexile]

You have reached the inbox of the former Grand Admiral Thrawn of the Imperial Star Destroyer Chimaera and the Seventh Fleet, also formerly known as Senior Commander Mitth'raw'nuruodo of the Springhawk.

I will return your message promptly.

[The message repeats in six different languages]

Comments

[artistinexile]

On whatever I have said to cause this distress.

[He stands abruptly as Florian knocks on the door]

[planetdialup]

On whatever?

[She huffs out an angry breath, before turning at the knock.]

Who...?

[artistinexile]

My warden. I have called him to assist.

[Thrawn does not typically emote as well as others, but there is some desperation and relief in his tone, hidden to all except those who know him best]

He is far better than I at words and I may need him as a sort of…cultural interpreter.

[planetdialup]

Then he can come in.

[She got up and went towards the door, to let him in.]

Because I'm going. You two can talk it out.

[artistinexile]

Please stay.

[planetdialup]

[Aerith is frozen for a few moments, her fingers balling into fists. She wanted to run off so she could have a proper cry and get it out of her system.

But...he asked.

She shook once, before going to the door, violently pulling it open for Florian to enter, before retreating, wiping at her eyes again with the flat of her palm. She's still very upset.

Good thing she didn't come with her staff.]

[a_titanum]

[ And Florian takes in the scene immediately, looking to Thrawn, and then Aerith, before he turns back to Aerith. ]

Aerith, would you perhaps be willing to take a moment or two outside to get a drink of water while Thrawn catches me up on things? Ten minutes, at the most, if you can allow me that so I can be of assistance.

[ A chance for Aerith to collect herself quietly while he does, indeed, get caught up, without her 'going'. Just a pause. ]

[artistinexile]

[Thrawn has faced countless foes in battle. He’s managed to come out victorious from 3 to 1 fleets against him in war. These are places he knows he can excel at.

Here the battlefield is different. He is terrified. Florian is here but he can’t get his brain to cooperate, nearly mute. He stares at them both, silent. Irreparable harm is a dreaded outcome and yet he cannot seem to say a correct thing to make Aerith better.

Words always fail him when he most desires to use them correctly.]

[planetdialup]

[Aerith nods. And she takes in a careful, if shaky breath.]

You can text me when you think you're ready.

[She needs to splash her face at least. If the wrong person saw her crying...

She felt a wave of nausea and anxiety.]

If you'll excuse me?

[The sooner she cleaned up, settled down, the better.]

[a_titanum]

Feel free to use my cabin; it's on this floor. 512. The door will open for you. It should only be about ten minutes for us.

[ A quick and easy smile as he steps in and lets Aerith out. Then his focus is on Thrawn. ]

Just so that I'm caught up and we can be productive, no? She'll be right back.

[artistinexile]

[he waits until Aerith leaves, before bringing his hands into view. They're shaking]

Thank you for coming so quickly.

[a_titanum]

[ And Florian will reach out then, take those hands with his own, steady them as he looks into Thrawn's eyes. There's no influence other than his own voice but it is steady and firm. ]

Breathe.

All is not lost. You are not in this alone.

[artistinexile]

[he obeys. It's a direct order; those are what he can manage best, during times like these]

[slowly, his hands cease their shaking. He squeezes Florian's hands once, in gratitude, before withdrawing his own back to himself]

Aerith began to cry again, very suddenly. I do not know what I said or did that caused her such emotional distress, but it would grow worse the longer I spoke.

I am sorry. I understand you do not wish to be brought into these matters as they are happening.

[a_titanum]

[ A firm headshake. ]

That is precisely when I prefer to be brought in: before or during. That's when I can be the most effective. My frustrations were in coming in afterwards, at the end, when there was little I could do.

[artistinexile]

I hope she will see it that way, and not as an ambush into a private conversation.

I could see no other option available.

[a_titanum]

[ He glances towards the door. ]

She's well aware of your difficulties. And she and I have an accord. Nor did she seem surprised to see me.

She just needed a moment to collect herself.

[artistinexile]

It did not seem that way to me.

[he settles down but uneasily so, as lost as he usually is when sitting in a room devoid of art, culture, and needed context]

[a_titanum]

There are things we've discussed that make me believe it is so. She'll return when she's ready.

For now, I'd like you to tell me what happened.

[artistinexile]

[a short nod; he will have to trust Florian knows best in this. Thrawn stares at - or rather, through - Florian as he recounts his version of the last ten minutes]

Aerith requested we meet in person to speak - she made no mention of what topic - and suggested the library's study room.

She instructed me to relax, that this was an apology and not a lecture. She expressed that she was sorry for allowing contact between us to cease. I acknowledged that the fault lay with me: that I had, as you said, broken her heart, and that any lapse in friendship or communication was similarly my burden to bear. I attempted to explain that I had no wish to hurt her further.

Aerith reiterated that I had hurt her, but that our friendship was still in existence, unless I did not wish it.

This was a relief and a worry to hear: I explained my fear that hurting her again would be an inevitability, so I made a similar suggestion regarding my project limitations. Since my failure with the alarms was part of what caused her distress, I could allow her to direct and use my skills. In this way I hoped to convey that I still wished to provide assistance in keeping her safe, but without overstepping personal boundaries.

This is where the conversation began to turn. She expressed a desire not to use me and further elaborated that I was hurting her and myself at this very moment.

This is where I became initially confused. You and I have had conversations where I have told you that I am happiest when I can be put to use. I told Aerith a similar sentiment, but she reacted negatively and claimed my words meant I saw myself as an object, and prior experience made those words carry a negative connotation. But they are how I prefer to describe myself and what I need to be happy - as you have claimed it is what you desire. This too was met with negative emotion: evidently I am not to use these words to describe myself unless I have her permission?

She asked if I had sought clarity in why I had hurt her in the first place: I said that I was in the process of it, but that Doctor Sheehan had been working on establishing rapport first and foremost. Alarmingly, she began to talk about our friendship in the past tense and that she did not wish for it to end: she asked me why I had not asked her a question, but I do not know what she wished me to ask her.

That was when she began to cry once again. I realized that speaking likely would make matters worse. She followed with a series of semi-connected sentences regarding her apology to me for hurting me - and it was not hurt I feel, but alarm first and foremost - and that she did not wish our friendship to end, and this was her attempt to talk the matter through.

I reached out to you discretely in order to save this before it had the potential to grow worse, and attempted to explain your sudden appearance as a desire to seek understanding in how I have hurt her.

Again, that seemed to make matters worse; Aerith did not like my choice of words, or perhaps the generality of it. Perhaps she wishes for a more specific apology. That is when you entered.

[a_titanum]

[ Florian, silently, starts assembling a PowerPoint presentation inside his own head on 'How to Friendship 101'. And he breathes out. ]

We'll take it a piece at a time.

First: 'any lapse in friendship or communication was similarly my burden to bear'.

Incorrect. By that logic, any lapse in safety protocols was never yours to concern yourself with.

To tell someone that is to take away their agency to act in the situation and to insinuate that you do not believe that they care about the situation, despite any relationship being maintained from two ends.

It also, by extension, treats the relationship and communication as a 'burden', which could be seen to be implying that she thinks having a relationship with you is a burden, which can be hurtful when that isn't something she said or meant to convey. She can feel hurt and upset that you misunderstood her the same way you are hurt and upset when others misunderstand you.

[artistinexile]

That does not make sense. I was acknowledging that I too could have broken the silence between us, as you indicated I should the last time we spoke.

That was not my intention at all.

[a_titanum]

I didn't think it was. But while you were clear right now, you assumed too much responsibility as you originally phrased it. Admitting you could have reached out too, or that you hadn't made it easy for her is one thing, but assuming the whole of the burden sends a different message.

[artistinexile]

[a tense silence. Finally Thrawn murmurs]

I understand. Please continue.

[a_titanum]

[ Florian nods, and there is empathy in his eyes for Thrawn. He understands this is not an exact science. ]

'I explained my fear that hurting her again would be an inevitability, so I made a similar suggestion regarding my project limitations. '

If you could explain precisely what you mean by that? I want to be sure I understand the potential nuances.

[artistinexile]

[this is so painful. He makes a note to record all future correspondence]

Yes.

Simply that because I am still learning what will hurt her and more importantly, that I should care more about that than her continued safety, I know I will make the occasional slip up, especially when it comes to ship works. Therefore I wished her to take the lead, especially when it comes to her own greenhouse revitalization projects. I know my designs on this ship and my desire to not wait for her input is a key driver to her unhappiness- therefore I was suggesting she take the lead to put me at any project she so chose.